Today I made a new friend. Philip is a busy single, successful guy. He walked into my office this morning looking for light banter. We clumsily stumbled into a bit more than we expected. Friendly passerby greetings marked our relationship at the casual acquaintance level before today. Today something changed. I listened.
I listened as Philip discussed a few heady topics: Divorce, aloneness, coping, loss, and yearning for friendship. I peppered his sharing with a few of my own experiences and insights, as he seemed to relax a bit in the chair. We experienced agreement, shared longings, and exchanged tentative smiles. He almost subconsciously mutters, "I never get to talk with anyone about this stuff."
Relationship level when our talk was concluded? Casual Acquaintance still, but with an open door to the slow steady steps towards a friendship that might be just hearty enough to survive outside of work.
Healthy friendships are the answers to so many questions in this life. Nothing yields a comparable long-term fulfillment. Unfortunately our society doesn't give us building blocks or good instructions. Though a few are lucky, most healthy friendships are only obtained by true seekers.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Day 10
The counselor helping us with our family troubles (which we previously considered individual problems with each child) suggested coming up with a schedule of events made for each child which will guide them through the different time periods of the day.
He printed off an example for us to take a look at. His example was a page and a half of basic tasks, it was a little too detailed for our taste, but my mind instantly grabbed the idea and begin forming it to suit our unique family.
It took a few days to get a rough plan forged in the fires of an excel spreadsheet. It was a bit simpler, but I still believed it had the detail required to guide the children throughout their day.
Before working on a schedule I didn't realize how much like an emotional minefield their life was. The children would go about their day, playing, trying to keep themselves busy with fun activities, randomly grabbed to clean up messes, randomly disciplined for not completing whichever chore they were randomly grabbed for. It was kind of like afganistan for children. Don't misunderstand me, the children didn't get wounded physically, but emotionally they were hitting discipline and disapproval 'IEDs' all the time.
I introduced "THE PLAN" to them Monday night at the dinner table after everyone had finished eating. I was suprised to find that they were very interested. They asked questions from the dinner table for about an hour. The plan laid down a schedule of events with penalties but also substantial rewards. I gauged their reactions to the different sections and had to make some 'on the fly' adjustments so they would all buy into it. I had printed off 'THE PLAN' for each of them.
This week has been testing and evaluation for "THE PLAN". I have made further tweeks to it to get the desired results. Kimberly has been amazed that the children picked it up so quickly.
The counselor said that giving the children guidelines of what was expected of them, as long as it is reasonable, will allow them to feel better about themselves, and allow us to consistently reward or discipline them.
We recognize that we haven't even started full implementation of "The Plan" but we are hopeful that we will see continued results. The results we have seen so far are as follows:
-Consistently clean common areas
-Children guiding themselves through morning schedule before school
-Abigail is more expressive
-Children anxious to start bedtime schedule and get to bed on time
-Children taking responsibility for their free time
-Kimberly spents less time throughout the day juggling children
He printed off an example for us to take a look at. His example was a page and a half of basic tasks, it was a little too detailed for our taste, but my mind instantly grabbed the idea and begin forming it to suit our unique family.
It took a few days to get a rough plan forged in the fires of an excel spreadsheet. It was a bit simpler, but I still believed it had the detail required to guide the children throughout their day.
Before working on a schedule I didn't realize how much like an emotional minefield their life was. The children would go about their day, playing, trying to keep themselves busy with fun activities, randomly grabbed to clean up messes, randomly disciplined for not completing whichever chore they were randomly grabbed for. It was kind of like afganistan for children. Don't misunderstand me, the children didn't get wounded physically, but emotionally they were hitting discipline and disapproval 'IEDs' all the time.
I introduced "THE PLAN" to them Monday night at the dinner table after everyone had finished eating. I was suprised to find that they were very interested. They asked questions from the dinner table for about an hour. The plan laid down a schedule of events with penalties but also substantial rewards. I gauged their reactions to the different sections and had to make some 'on the fly' adjustments so they would all buy into it. I had printed off 'THE PLAN' for each of them.
This week has been testing and evaluation for "THE PLAN". I have made further tweeks to it to get the desired results. Kimberly has been amazed that the children picked it up so quickly.
The counselor said that giving the children guidelines of what was expected of them, as long as it is reasonable, will allow them to feel better about themselves, and allow us to consistently reward or discipline them.
We recognize that we haven't even started full implementation of "The Plan" but we are hopeful that we will see continued results. The results we have seen so far are as follows:
-Consistently clean common areas
-Children guiding themselves through morning schedule before school
-Abigail is more expressive
-Children anxious to start bedtime schedule and get to bed on time
-Children taking responsibility for their free time
-Kimberly spents less time throughout the day juggling children
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Day 1 Silent Seeking
I have felt full of feelings lately. I need to empty them into a private format. This seemed the way to go.
Abigail is not out of the woods yet, in regards to her issues. We find little ways to help her experience happiness, but it is always short lived. It is almost as if we convince her that she is special and lovable for a few moments, then she returns to the lies, which say something is wrong with her and that she is of less value than everyone around herself.
Kim and I are on the look out for any ideas from any source: Friends, family, teachers, books, analogies, prayer, and Abigail herself. It is easy to see most of the contributing factors. It is hard to find out how to counter act the damage done, or at least find how to get love to that area of her heart, so that healing can occur.
I am currently reading a book: Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker M.D. This book gives me hope with its central theme that if you are trying your best as a father; you are making a difference. I believe myself more free to love my daughters without hesistation or constraint than ever before. I drew back from bringing my full self into my relationship with them, I backed off and backed down because they are girls. I find it revolutionary that they need my ability to see right through their stories, facades, and circumstances. They need me to notice their feelings and help them identify them, so that they can express the feelings and be free of them once again. They need so much from me, but I am finding, that all the needs they have are built into my wiring as a man.
I have been allocating some time to think and discuss the issues with which Makayla struggles. Her father died when she was 3. His family keeps him 'alive' for Makayla, thinking it will comfort her and perhaps form her into a 'replacement' for him to them. This tenuous connection seems to be a source of pain and internal misery for her, though they are wonderful people and terrific Grandparents. She is told through their actions to be faithful to him, to keep her loyalty to him, even though he can't contribute to the relationship anymore. Her family sends her 'gifts from him' for Christmas, and letters from him for Easter. I am sure that it helps them cope with the loss they feel but it seems to give an unhealthy reality to this 7 year old girl who seems to be stuck in her own grieving process. I am seeking for ways to break through to her and get her back on track with this important process. The fragility of the hearts stuck together in the grieving process is not lost on me. I am hoping that by helping Makayla move on, that it will unstick everyone else as well, since they seem to be stuck for her.
Both my young ladies need my intense focus and help. I am always seeking for answers to their dilemnas. Some mornings, as I drive to work, I leave the music off. I allow my thoughts to flow. These thoughts: bring answers, they pushes theories futher down the road towards trial, they bring me to a spirit of thankfulness before God. The silence that used to remind me how broken I was, and how much pain I was carrying, now heals me, encourages me, and answers me.
I open up my mind and spirit to commune with the God of the universe, sometimes he contributes, other times he remains silent. He is always praised and remembered in these times. It is ironic that I praise him for the silence...the silence that was once soul crushing.
Relationships give all knowledge meaning.
Abigail is not out of the woods yet, in regards to her issues. We find little ways to help her experience happiness, but it is always short lived. It is almost as if we convince her that she is special and lovable for a few moments, then she returns to the lies, which say something is wrong with her and that she is of less value than everyone around herself.
Kim and I are on the look out for any ideas from any source: Friends, family, teachers, books, analogies, prayer, and Abigail herself. It is easy to see most of the contributing factors. It is hard to find out how to counter act the damage done, or at least find how to get love to that area of her heart, so that healing can occur.
I am currently reading a book: Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker M.D. This book gives me hope with its central theme that if you are trying your best as a father; you are making a difference. I believe myself more free to love my daughters without hesistation or constraint than ever before. I drew back from bringing my full self into my relationship with them, I backed off and backed down because they are girls. I find it revolutionary that they need my ability to see right through their stories, facades, and circumstances. They need me to notice their feelings and help them identify them, so that they can express the feelings and be free of them once again. They need so much from me, but I am finding, that all the needs they have are built into my wiring as a man.
I have been allocating some time to think and discuss the issues with which Makayla struggles. Her father died when she was 3. His family keeps him 'alive' for Makayla, thinking it will comfort her and perhaps form her into a 'replacement' for him to them. This tenuous connection seems to be a source of pain and internal misery for her, though they are wonderful people and terrific Grandparents. She is told through their actions to be faithful to him, to keep her loyalty to him, even though he can't contribute to the relationship anymore. Her family sends her 'gifts from him' for Christmas, and letters from him for Easter. I am sure that it helps them cope with the loss they feel but it seems to give an unhealthy reality to this 7 year old girl who seems to be stuck in her own grieving process. I am seeking for ways to break through to her and get her back on track with this important process. The fragility of the hearts stuck together in the grieving process is not lost on me. I am hoping that by helping Makayla move on, that it will unstick everyone else as well, since they seem to be stuck for her.
Both my young ladies need my intense focus and help. I am always seeking for answers to their dilemnas. Some mornings, as I drive to work, I leave the music off. I allow my thoughts to flow. These thoughts: bring answers, they pushes theories futher down the road towards trial, they bring me to a spirit of thankfulness before God. The silence that used to remind me how broken I was, and how much pain I was carrying, now heals me, encourages me, and answers me.
I open up my mind and spirit to commune with the God of the universe, sometimes he contributes, other times he remains silent. He is always praised and remembered in these times. It is ironic that I praise him for the silence...the silence that was once soul crushing.
Relationships give all knowledge meaning.
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