Day 1 Silent Seeking

I have felt full of feelings lately. I need to empty them into a private format. This seemed the way to go.

Abigail is not out of the woods yet, in regards to her issues. We find little ways to help her experience happiness, but it is always short lived. It is almost as if we convince her that she is special and lovable for a few moments, then she returns to the lies, which say something is wrong with her and that she is of less value than everyone around herself.

Kim and I are on the look out for any ideas from any source: Friends, family, teachers, books, analogies, prayer, and Abigail herself. It is easy to see most of the contributing factors. It is hard to find out how to counter act the damage done, or at least find how to get love to that area of her heart, so that healing can occur.

I am currently reading a book: Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker M.D. This book gives me hope with its central theme that if you are trying your best as a father; you are making a difference. I believe myself more free to love my daughters without hesistation or constraint than ever before. I drew back from bringing my full self into my relationship with them, I backed off and backed down because they are girls. I find it revolutionary that they need my ability to see right through their stories, facades, and circumstances. They need me to notice their feelings and help them identify them, so that they can express the feelings and be free of them once again. They need so much from me, but I am finding, that all the needs they have are built into my wiring as a man.

I have been allocating some time to think and discuss the issues with which Makayla struggles. Her father died when she was 3. His family keeps him 'alive' for Makayla, thinking it will comfort her and perhaps form her into a 'replacement' for him to them. This tenuous connection seems to be a source of pain and internal misery for her, though they are wonderful people and terrific Grandparents. She is told through their actions to be faithful to him, to keep her loyalty to him, even though he can't contribute to the relationship anymore. Her family sends her 'gifts from him' for Christmas, and letters from him for Easter. I am sure that it helps them cope with the loss they feel but it seems to give an unhealthy reality to this 7 year old girl who seems to be stuck in her own grieving process. I am seeking for ways to break through to her and get her back on track with this important process. The fragility of the hearts stuck together in the grieving process is not lost on me. I am hoping that by helping Makayla move on, that it will unstick everyone else as well, since they seem to be stuck for her.

Both my young ladies need my intense focus and help. I am always seeking for answers to their dilemnas. Some mornings, as I drive to work, I leave the music off. I allow my thoughts to flow. These thoughts: bring answers, they pushes theories futher down the road towards trial, they bring me to a spirit of thankfulness before God. The silence that used to remind me how broken I was, and how much pain I was carrying, now heals me, encourages me, and answers me.

I open up my mind and spirit to commune with the God of the universe, sometimes he contributes, other times he remains silent. He is always praised and remembered in these times. It is ironic that I praise him for the silence...the silence that was once soul crushing.

Relationships give all knowledge meaning.