I will listen

I can't find the right words to help my friend. He is painfully stuck on the horns of a dilemma concerning divorce. We have talked for 100+ hours trying to figure out what the best decision is for him. To him it seems that every decision has the same result: Pain!

From the other side of divorce I continue to share my experience, comforting him that the pain marks the transition to a happier life for all involved. He parrots the same lines as right wing America: "Divorce is evil, it will destroy the lives of my children, my wife will commit suicide..." The outlook to him is so bleak that it seems like the next worse step would be thermonuclear war and a post apocalyptic winter!

I could fill in all the things he has done and that she has done, but it still wouldn't make it my decision or YOUR (pl) decision as to what is right for him or them. The main point is he can't live with her anymore, it is not good for him, not good for her. They are not soulmates, they were married for pregnancy and because he felt like it what the 'right thing to do'.

I told him that the foundation for any of my good decisions rests in a quiet secret that, I only then realized, I hadn't shared often. I had been sharing how my mindset changed as I worked through separation, divorce, single parenting, and holding down a 12 hour shift job in the Marine Corps. I had shared how there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel and I just pushed through the pain and negative feelings that surrounded me day after day. I tell him that his life will be better one day. The secret is that the source of my steady progression through the tunnel, and my steady growth in every area of life comes from my quiet submission to God's plan for my life. Sometimes glimpsed as kneeling in tears at an altar, but mostly kneeling in my heart before His majesty, and in this small quiet group of moments he gives me the next step in His plan for me.

I don't usually share anything about my relationship with God in words, whether written or spoken. I am currently learning to share my relationship with God through my actions, through the way I live my life, through the way I love, words are so limiting, temporary and frail in comparison. Words can be argued, picked apart, can be wrongly interpreted, but when your walk does your talk it is not as easily ignored.

Back to my story and my dilemma: My friend rebutted my secret with the fact that he has waited for God to talk, for God to show him the next step; and has received no response at any of the multitude of times he has requested it over the course of his life. Perhaps he didn't get a response because he was going about it in 'my' way, using my technique for communicating with God. I have heard that some people feel like they can talk to God better in certain places: on their knees by their bed, in the kitchen, at church, at the altar. Perhaps he is trying to communicate the wrong way for him, or I wonder if I am supposed to communicate for him to God and back. I always thought the each person should communicate to God for themselves.

The idea of needing someone to communicate to and from God for you would support the massive amount of clergy we have in this country. I wonder if I have some natural inclination to be a kind of unofficial go-between for people around me and God? going bck the last 20 years in my adult life, I realize it has always been easy for me to hear God's voice for my own life as well as for others. I have noticed that I have a knack for giving people the next step to take their relationship with God to the next level. This is an interesting digression.

Let me put all fears to rest though, I enjoy doing "all things in moderation" too much to give it up to be official clergy, being a layman is very satisfying for me, I am content.

Perhaps if I pray with my friend for a few minutes God will talk to him. His mind is so full of conflicting emotions and thoughts right now. He claims that it helps him to have me listen. From personal experience I know it does, and am grateful for the people that truly, actively listen to me. I want to be more help to him, but maybe being a good listener will be just enough to get him through, and grow our friendship at the same time.

Helplessness

I can't find the right words to help my friend. He is painfully stuck on the horns of a decision concerning divorce. We have talked for 100+ hours trying to figure out what the best decision is for him. To him it seems that every decision has the same result: Pain!

From the other side of divorce I continue to share my experience, comforting him that the pain marks the transition to a happier life for all involved. He parrots the same lines as right wing America: "Divorce is evil, it will destroy the lives of my children, my wife will commit suicide..." The outlook to him is so bleak that it seems like the next worse step would be thermonuclear war and a post apocalyptic winter!

I could fill in all the things he has done and that she has done, but it still wouldn't make it my decision or YOUR (pl) decision as to what is write for him or them. The main point is he can't live with her anymore, it is not good for him, not good for her. They are not soulmates, they were married for pregnancy and because he felt like it what the 'right thing to do'.

I told him that the foundation for any of my good decisions rests in a quiet secret that, I only then realized, I hadn't shared often. I had been sharing how my mindset changed as I worked through separation, divorce, single parenting, and holding down a 12 hour shift job in the Marine Corps. I had shared how there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel and I just pushed through the pain and negative feelings that surrounded me day after day. I tell him that his life will be better one day. The secret is that the source of my steady progression through the tunnel, and my steady growth in every area of life comes from my quiet submission to God's plan for my life. Sometimes glimpsed as kneeling in tears at an altar, but mostly kneeling in my heart before His majesty, and in this small quiet group of moments he gives me the next step in His plan for me.

I don't usually share anything about my relationship with God in words, whether written or spoken. I am currently learning to share my relationship with God through my actions, through the way I live my life, through the way I love, words are so limiting, temporary and frail in comparison. Words can be argued, picked apart, can be wrongly interpreted, but when your walk does your talk it is not as easily ignored.

Back to my story and my dilemma: My friend rebutted my secret with the fact that he has waited for God to talk, for God to show him the next step; and has received no response at any of the multitude of times he has requested it over the course of his life. Perhaps he didn't get a response because he was going about it in 'my' way, using my technique for communicating with God. I have heard that some people feel like they can talk to God better in certain places: on their knees by their bed, in the kitchen, at church, at the altar. Perhaps he is trying to communicate the wrong way for him, or I wonder if I am supposed to communicate for him to God and back. I always thought the each person should communicate to God for themselves.

The idea of needing someone to communicate to and from God for you would support the massive amount of clergy we have in this country. I wonder if I have some natural inclination to be a kind of unofficial go-between for people around me and God? going bck the last 20 years in my adult life, I realize it has always been easy for me to hear God's voice for my own life as well as for others. I have noticed that I have a knack for giving people the next step to take their relationship with God to the next level. This is an interesting digression.

Let me put all fears to rest though, I enjoy doing "all things in moderation" too much to give it up to be official clergy, being a layman is very satisfying for me, I am content.

Perhaps if I pray with my friend for a few minutes God will talk to him. His mind is so full of conflicting emotions and thoughts right now. He claims that it helps me to have me listen, and I know it does, and am grateful for the people that truly, actively listen to me. I want to be more help to him, but maybe being a good listening will be just enough to get him through, and grow our friendship at the same time.

Progress

Abigail's birthday is today. She is having a good day. We have seen a lot of measurable progress with Abigail since starting her on the regime of medication and counseling to help her find health. She is much more playful and happy at all times. She is more expressive about things she doesn't like, to the point where she is content to loudly annouce the slightest infraction of her boundaries. We were hoping to see the thumbsucking go away but it is still around.

The girls have a new modus operindi when it comes to bedtime. They wait like predators to pounce from underneath their blankets, then when I sit on their bed to tuck them it, they push off the covers and jump on top of me. I feign that I have been completely overpowered, until finally I realize or remember my full strength and toss them one at a time back into their bed, after that it looks like my normal tucking in practices: I pray for them, then give them each a kiss on the cheek and a big hug. Lastly, before I leave the room I tell them that I love them both. It is times like these that they are so much fun, it is times like these that I will miss someday soon. Time slows down in these moments, and becomes the precious commodity that I sacrifice so much to protect. Yet it slips right through my fingers.

Bending Towards Harshness

My last post about seeing myself in stark reality has sparked some insightful and refreshing conversation (invisible to you). I have come to realize that one's life will always appear jilted or janky when compared unfairly to the lives of others.

The lives of others become a mirror of sorts through which I am able to villify decisions I make from a safe distance, on one hand, and on the other hand I can use the lives of others to Saint myself, so that I feel good about where I am. I think the analytical term for this is 'projection'. The lives of others will suit whatever use I require of them in regards to my own motivation.

I was using seemingly successful lives around me past, present, and future to attempt to berate myself into growing faster, or igniting a quick change in my life. I now see this is unwholesome motivation.

The reality I have begun peering into is that I am decent. In some ways I am insightful. I seek to be a refreshment to others, in whichever way I can. I try to guide my children to healthier, happier lives now and in the future. I do fail. I don't quit trying. I seek paradigm shifting growth.

Please don't be fooled into thinking that I have changed my perspective. This post is a small effort to continue to push that idea of my positive self-image, like pushing a pebble up a hill. It is almost selfish the way I want to jump the process and motivate myself to more growth, through guilt and harshness, than i am ready for. It is only 'almost' selfish because I want a better me for my children, my soulmate and all my relationships.

Wrong beliefs are not easy to undo, they are deep seated, entrenched. A slow relentless pull is the only way to extract them out of my subconscious, like pulling an old rotten stump out of the front yard. So, leaning into it, I trust the process, one slow,steady sometimes painful step at a time.

Mirage-like illusion

There are days, like today, when I get a glimpse of a different reality. The mirage I am used to flickers for a brief moment and I get to see the ways I have deceived myself.

Let me mention quickly that I do some things well. The problem is that I do a few other things not so well. I have a tendency to sabotage my own success, which results in a below average performance.

My normal response to the feedback of below average performance is to defend my position, hold up my recent accomplishments and validate my feelings on any listening ear I can find.

Today, i realized this. I caught a glimpse for the first time in a while of the insecure, hurting person I am. I don't have any really juicy stories of pain I have caused on others, but I have caused plenty of disappointment.

I feel it is important to allow this view into my true self to bring a kind of pause. I mourn the lost potential, the lost promotions, and the lost time.

My relationships aren't magically protected from this same sabotage. I am just now discovering tactics I use to distance the ones I love the most. I am not sure this is all related to one internal issue. The negative is given too much weight without the mention of the positive as well, so:

In the open, honest relationship with my soulmate, these tactics are identified, discussed, and forgiven. In the relationships with my children I do invest more time than most other people I know. I fervently try to start them off a little better than I was in life, and I feel like I have succeeded to some extent.

I recognize that 'below-average' is above poor and adverse. So, in other words, I am only partially failing in most areas of my life.

Recognizing these grim realities is supposedly the first step to fixing them. I will let you know how this goes.

This new reality I have glimpsed will of course require a paradigm shift of epic proportions, but I have everything to gain, and nothing to lose except failure and mediocrity. I will let you know what I learn as I seek.