Mirage-like illusion

There are days, like today, when I get a glimpse of a different reality. The mirage I am used to flickers for a brief moment and I get to see the ways I have deceived myself.

Let me mention quickly that I do some things well. The problem is that I do a few other things not so well. I have a tendency to sabotage my own success, which results in a below average performance.

My normal response to the feedback of below average performance is to defend my position, hold up my recent accomplishments and validate my feelings on any listening ear I can find.

Today, i realized this. I caught a glimpse for the first time in a while of the insecure, hurting person I am. I don't have any really juicy stories of pain I have caused on others, but I have caused plenty of disappointment.

I feel it is important to allow this view into my true self to bring a kind of pause. I mourn the lost potential, the lost promotions, and the lost time.

My relationships aren't magically protected from this same sabotage. I am just now discovering tactics I use to distance the ones I love the most. I am not sure this is all related to one internal issue. The negative is given too much weight without the mention of the positive as well, so:

In the open, honest relationship with my soulmate, these tactics are identified, discussed, and forgiven. In the relationships with my children I do invest more time than most other people I know. I fervently try to start them off a little better than I was in life, and I feel like I have succeeded to some extent.

I recognize that 'below-average' is above poor and adverse. So, in other words, I am only partially failing in most areas of my life.

Recognizing these grim realities is supposedly the first step to fixing them. I will let you know how this goes.

This new reality I have glimpsed will of course require a paradigm shift of epic proportions, but I have everything to gain, and nothing to lose except failure and mediocrity. I will let you know what I learn as I seek.