My last post about seeing myself in stark reality has sparked some insightful and refreshing conversation (invisible to you). I have come to realize that one's life will always appear jilted or janky when compared unfairly to the lives of others.
The lives of others become a mirror of sorts through which I am able to villify decisions I make from a safe distance, on one hand, and on the other hand I can use the lives of others to Saint myself, so that I feel good about where I am. I think the analytical term for this is 'projection'. The lives of others will suit whatever use I require of them in regards to my own motivation.
I was using seemingly successful lives around me past, present, and future to attempt to berate myself into growing faster, or igniting a quick change in my life. I now see this is unwholesome motivation.
The reality I have begun peering into is that I am decent. In some ways I am insightful. I seek to be a refreshment to others, in whichever way I can. I try to guide my children to healthier, happier lives now and in the future. I do fail. I don't quit trying. I seek paradigm shifting growth.
Please don't be fooled into thinking that I have changed my perspective. This post is a small effort to continue to push that idea of my positive self-image, like pushing a pebble up a hill. It is almost selfish the way I want to jump the process and motivate myself to more growth, through guilt and harshness, than i am ready for. It is only 'almost' selfish because I want a better me for my children, my soulmate and all my relationships.
Wrong beliefs are not easy to undo, they are deep seated, entrenched. A slow relentless pull is the only way to extract them out of my subconscious, like pulling an old rotten stump out of the front yard. So, leaning into it, I trust the process, one slow,steady sometimes painful step at a time.
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